


Lan Zhan is not actually totally alright in the head and this is my take on that

by caffeinatedsmolbean, rosesdarkandbloody (caffeinatedsmolbean)



Category: Mo Dao Zu Shi
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Demonic cultivation, Infidelity, Knifeplay, M/M, Non-human
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:01:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27499822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caffeinatedsmolbean/pseuds/caffeinatedsmolbean, https://archiveofourown.org/users/caffeinatedsmolbean/pseuds/rosesdarkandbloody
Summary: In which Lan Zhan really needs either magical intervention or a psychologist, and we would not have it any other way.
Relationships: Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī/Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15
Collections: Dark Lan Zhan Week





	1. 11.08: non-human au

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Lan WangJi and Wei WuXian are not really human, and hide it well enough from everyone else, but not really from each other. 
> 
> Day 1: Non-Human

Lan WangJi was not a bad person. He was a little aloof at times, and extremely cold towards most, but no one would say he was evil, or bad, or anything other than righteous. Sometimes people even thought that the Second Twin Jade of Lan was in fact an animated piece of jade, with his porcelain skin, and his unparalleled beauty. In short, HangunJun was perfect. He was the perfect disciple, the perfect brother (mostly), the perfect warrior, the perfect façade of purity. It was easy to be good and righteous when there were so many rules in Cloud Recess. It was easy to conform to the expected standards when there was no other example than being distinctly Lan. But like with everything in this world, there is a balance.

For every ounce of good there is an ounce of bad, for every speck of dark there is a speck of light, and for every bit of order, there is chaos. Chaos came in the form of Wei WuXian. Whereas Lan WangJi was quiet, reserved, mostly humble, and always did as he was told, Wei WuXian was unnecessarily loud, rebellious, disorganized, and overly pretentious. He was everything Lan WangJi should stay away from, according to his uncle. He was everything Lan WangJi was not. In the end, Lan WangJi found that he could not stay away. Usually, the Twin Jades of Lan did not remain in the yearly lectures at Cloud Recess for very long. They attended one or two, and then moved to their own personal study, making much more progress than they would be making if they were in a classroom with the rest of the disciples. But the year Wei WuXian threw off the perfectly cultivated balance of the inner circle of the Lan Clan was the same year in which Lan took full responsibility as Sect Leader. And so, not only was the First Jade of Lan present at all of the lectures, but he was there to see how the person he thought of as his younger brother stepped out of his carefully curated shell just a little but. Lan WangJi had finally found someone that could rival his inhumane abilities. And for this, Lan WangJi gave him all of his attention.

That was a privilege many wished to have, and Wei WuXian made the most of it. He teased Lan WangJi for anything and everything, dropping endearing insults like “fuddy-duddy” left and right. He got in trouble, and did everything in his power to push the perfect Second Jade of Lan to the edge of his never-ending patience. To his utmost disappointment, Lan WangJi did not budge. Not when he threw notes in class, not when he painted him, or when he switched his Buddhist text for that of a porn book. He reacted of course, as any human would, with mockery and disdain, and sometimes, pure rage (being told “piss off” by a very angry and very attractive jade-like person was not the same as causing the perfect composure of said man to fully break but it was close enough), but he never did anything that could hint towards what lay beneath the mask of unblemished purity. The little comments that Wei WuXian made in the lectures kept everyone entertained, but it made Lan WangJi wonder about the nature of this extroverted boy. He knew that there was some darkness in Wei WuXian that was carefully hidden. Something as simple as a discussion about basic texts often led to debates about much darker topics, and this often resulted in Wei WuXian being taken out of class. He always disappeared to hell-knows where, and returned refreshed, looking much more civilized than at those moments when some crazy idea took hold of him.

It was on one of those escapades that Lan WangJi finally understood why Wei WuXian was the way he was, even if the other boy had not realised it yet. Someone so chaotic had to have some relation to the legendary Hundun, and so it was no wonder that the boy ran out of the Cloud Recess to partake in mischief. But it was not this truth that Lan WangJi found out after following him in this particular escapade. What he found was a pretty pale-looking crazed boy giggling in a puddle of blood. The black and red robes began to make more sense after this, and evidently this was nothing new as even with his less human traits Lan WangJi was not able to find a body. On his part, Lan WangJi was finding it harder and harder to control himself around Wei WuXian the more the other boy chipped away at his armour. Something in the hidden darkness in Wei WuXian called to the hidden darkness in Lan WangJi, but neither did anything about it. Neither talked about the fateful night when Lan WangJi had figured out what Wei WuXian did in his spare time, but he did feel closer to the boy. The made it all the more difficult to hold back. Which is why he was relieved when the impulsive First Disciple of the Jiang Clan beat the shit out of Jin ZiXuan.

He would miss the boy when he inevitably left, that much was clear, but it was also safer for everyone if the two did not have any more contact. Who knows what they might do if given the chance. Unfortunately, the damage was already done, and the piece of Lan WangJi that was not entirely human now had something worth showing itself for. The part of Lan WangJi that was not entirely human would not get the chance to act on the obsessive tendency it had cultivated for a year. The next time they would see each other would be in the QishanWen indoctrination. It should frightening to see how grown up every Sect Heir was acting, and if any of the current Sect Leaders could have seen them, they would have done something to take them back. It was no secret that the QishanWen Sect had some less than favourable ways to maintain power, but they were outright going against the rules of the cultivation world by holding so many important young masters hostage and in such horrible conditions. Lan WangJi was brought in late, and alone, to the first meeting of the indoctrination. He had a slight limp, but he held his head up high. He knew that he had done what needed to be done to defend his family, but could not let the Wen’s think that they had survived. After all, Wen Rohan was under the impression that a wild beast had attacked his remaining soldiers after the defeat of Cloud Recess.

This was not entirely wrong, but Lan WangJi hardly counted himself as a wild beast, and it had been a few days before the supposed defeat of Cloud Recess. He knew all this. Everyone else did not. Not even Wei WuXian, who of course had to be there. The concerned looks that the boy shot him every now and then were making it harder for the less human piece of the Second Jade of Lan to remain hidden. The nightly escapades that Wei WuXian made were no help in that either. How no one noticed the increasingly frequent disapperances of the Wen guards was a mystery to Lan WangJi, but knowing what had happened to them only made the beast want to rip out of his skin. There was something appealing about spurting blood on black robes, the sinister smile on Wei WuXian’s face when he felt the warm liquid fall on him, and the maniacal smile that the boy had whenever he finished playing with his victims. There was something not quite human about Wei WuXian, something he kept hidden from everyone, maybe even from his beloved Shijie, but Lan WangJi could not say that with 100% confidence. There was something not quite human about Wei WuXian, but talking to him about it would mean exposing himself, so he did what he knew to do best. He continuously pushed the younger boy away. That worked out well enough, until Wei WuXian decided to play the hero in that goddamned cave.

They got everyone out, and told Jiang Cheng to get everyone to safety, to tell the Sect Leaders that they had to be careful. Jiang Cheng left with Jin ZiXuan, left with everyone, except Wei WuXian and Lan WangJi. “Wei WuXian!” he called out before he jumped into the water. Wei WuXian turned to him. He blinked, gave him a smile and nodded. At this, Jiang Cheng rushed over to his older brother and pulled him into a fierce hug. Lan WangJi could almost make out what the two boys were saying. The only clear thing that Lan WangJi heard was Wei WuXian saying “Don’t worry, it takes a monster to defeat one” and just like that the tender moment between siblings was gone. Jiang Cheng turned and punched Wei WuXian in the arm. “If you don’t come back I will find you and break your legs!” he yelled as he moved away from them and took everyone else to safety. And just like that, Lan WangJi was left alone with Wei WuXian. Oh and the Xuanyu of Slaughter. He was not sure which out of the two was more dangerous. He was not afraid of either. He knew he was the real monster in that cave.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

“Lan WangJi”

“…”

“Second Master Lan”

“…”

“Lan Zhan”

“…”

“Lan…Er….Gege!”

“Piss off!”

They had just spent close to 8 hours defeating the Xuanyu of Slaughter, and Lan WangJi was still not sure if Wei WuXian was a friend or a foe. The taunting had interrupted his introspection and had set off his already irritable temper. Never before had anyone had the audacity to push Lan WangJi in any way that was not cultivation related.

Hunger, fatigue, pain, and something he could not quite name all edged him on to react the way he did when the annoying but beautiful Wei WuXian took a jab at him with his pestering words. Had he been a mere human he would have had no problems with dealing with his temper when the conditions were less than ideal, but he had never had to battle another monster. The closest he had ever gotten to fighting someone who was his match was with Wei WuXian, and even then he had only needed a few hours of sleep to recuperate.

Food was not something he actively sought out either, but this time he has used so much energy that his regular functions were thrown off balance. He would later blame that for what happened in that cavern. He would then blame that event for the subsequent disaster. He would not call it a disaster. Everyone else would. The fateful “piss of” came off as quite rude, but for some reason Wei WuXian was not leaving. He stayed, looking at Lan WangJi with something not quite right in his eyes, slowly getting closer, and closer, and closer, until he was right in Lan WangJi’s personal space. He swallowed with some difficulty, and forced himself to look at the dangerous grin with the dark eyes and a red ribbon. He could make out the exhaustion, the pain (could monsters feel pain? he certainly didn’t. did he?) the pure rage. A hint of madness beneath it all. They were both tired, exhausted by the war, and drained from the fight with something so powerful. Wei WuXian was covered with what could only be called resentful energy, but Lan WangJi could faintly make out the layer of something protecting Wei WuXian from being consumed by the resentful energy.

Not being able to bear it any longer he tried again, and used as much strength as he could muster to push the other boy away. The beast was dangerously close to taking over. He could not let it. “Get. Out.” He spit out, knowing in his heart that he did not mean it. When Wei WuXian only looked at him with a confused expression, he pushed him away with more force. “Leave.” He spit out again. Then, after some consideration added, “Or else.” Wei WuXian’s eyes twinkled at that, and he stubbornly got closer to Lan WangJi. “Or else…what?” He asked pointedly, with a pout, and a look that could get Lan WangJi to do anything. Seeing that he had the attention of the impeccable Second Jade of Lan, Wei WuXian, continued to travel the dangerous path towards the inside of the carefully constructed walls that kept Lan WangJi in check.

“What will the esteemed Lan WangJi do to me if I do not move away?” Wei WuXian continued. He slowly inched closer, closer, closer, until it would only take the slightest movement from Lan WangJi to come into contact with the beautiful Wei WuXian. Somehow, Wei WuXian kept moving forward, closer, until their noses came into contact with each other. Then, he had the guts to look Lan WangJi in the eyes and ask again. “What. Will. You. Do.” After a moment of no reaction he tried again.

“What will you do…Lan-er gege?” The beast was waiting to be let out, and the contact with the mesmerizing Wei WuXian was almost enough. The barrier was almost down, but the thing that cracked it was not the taunting words, or the closeness. It was the look in Wei Wuxian’s eyes when he said “Lan-er gege” and finished pushing Lan WangJi into the rugged wall of the cave. The words themselves sounded more like a moan than actual language, and Wei WuXian was too close for Lan WangJi not to feel the press of his legs onto his own. With one swift movement Wei WuXian was roughly pressed against the wall that Lan WangJi was against a second before, and before he could take a second to process what was happening, Lan WangJi was kissing him. They were covered in blood, exhausted, feverish, but they were kissing.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

The kiss was not tender, or soft, or anything a first kiss should be. It was painful, it was rough, it was demanding, and it was everything either of them could have hoped for. Wei WuXian was pressed against the wall, captured between the hard stone and the warm body on top of him. Lan WangJi had placed his hand behind Wei WuXian’s neck so as to not hurt him too much, but every other piece of him was pressing against the other boy’s body, looking to leave marks of the rugged rock on his back. Soon, the desperate kisses turned to more, to body grinding against body, to teeth pulling lips, to moans, to hands roaming all over the other’s body. It became too much, not enough, and the flat space by fire they had built seemed like a better place to be doing this than the wall closest to the dead beast, and so with a smirk, Lan WangJi picked up Wei WuXian by the waist, wrapped his legs around his torso, and without breaking the kiss, carried him to the warmer area of the cave.

There, he promptly crashed him against another wall, earning a gasp of pain, followed by a moan, followed by an urgent tug at his filthy outer robes. Had he been in his right state of mind, had the beast not taken over at that moment, he would have taken the time to explore the one he adored. That was not the case. At the tug, any sort of composure he had left broke, and the desperate kisses turned hungry. The mere pressing turned into the need to make the other feel good, to make the other crack under his control. He savoured the slight gasps that Wei WuXian made every time his knee made contact with his dick, and swallowed any moans he made when he picked him up again, only to grind his own cock into the others already oversensitive body. Wei WuXian’s breath hitched slightly, and a hoarse

“I want this off” led to Lan WangJi all but ripping the others robes apart. He took a moment to savour the heat radiating from the other, to take a look at the beautiful but scarred body that was at his, no, at the beasts mercy.

“Lan WangJi, look at me.” Said the lust-laden voice of the other boy. How was it that he was in this position, in this situation, and he noticed that Lan WangJi had not made eye contact with him once since that first kiss? He took hold of Lan WangJi’s hands and forced him to stop. Then, he pulled the others face towards him.

“I want to see you. All of you.” So Lan WangJi let the other see his darkest secret (it was only fair to him, seeing as he was now at the others mercy). He let him see the bright red eyes that appeared whenever the beast took the place of the perfect Second Jade of Lan, and the other simply smiled. Wei WuXian’s hands slowly travelled up from Lan WangJi’s wrists, to his forearms, to his shoulders, to his clavicle. He pushed open the stained white robes, and ran his nails lightly down the others still-covered chest. He stopped at the waist, and looked at the red eyes, the flaming eyes, as if asking if he could continue. Lan WangJi nodded.

Ever so slowly, Wei WuXian untied the sash keeping the others clothes on, and thanked the fact that they had been smart enough to wash their outer layers, leaving only one between the others perfect body and himself. He looked at Lan WangJi cheekily, and looking at the other through his eyelashes said

“Do your worst Lan-er gege.” With this the beast growled and Lan WangJi tore his own robe off while distracting Wei WuXian with a kiss. With both of their robes discarded, and the truth of who, no, what he was out of the way, Lan WangJi let his hands roam all over Wei WuXian. They went from his hips to his ass to his stomach, but never to his painfully hard cock. All the while Lan WangJi was kissing Wei WuXian, letting his inhumanly sharp canines break skin here and there, marking the other. His nails were sharper than a normal humans and he used those to mark the rest of Wei WuXian.

“Lan…er…gege…please!” Wei WuXian whined every time his hands got close to his lower belly, and used his own inhuman strength to pull Lan WangJi closer. Unfortunately for the very horny Wei WuXian, Lan WangJi was just that bit stronger, and pinned his hands down against the wall. It woke something in him to see Wei WuXian at his mercy. This beautiful, strong, dangerous being was completely at his disposal, and that only turned him on more, made him want to ravage him more. Wei WuXian began to growl, his normally grey eyes darkening to be almost black. He took Lan WangJi’s hand and forced it onto his dick, and looked at the predator-like Lan with pure lust. Taking this as permission to continue, he began playing with Wei Wuxian, drawing out the most beautiful sounds out of him with every stroke. As Wei WuXian’s moans grew louder Lan WangJi’s movements became faster and more desperate. He was giving in to what the beast wanted, what he wanted.

“You’re beginning to show me your true colours like this, aren’t you Lan-er gege?” Wei Wuxian panted out between harsh breathing. The only reply he received was a simple “Mn” and then Lan WangJi was kissing him again, forcing him to hold off on completion while also making it unbearable for him. “Do you like when I show you my true colours…Wei Ying” he asked in a hushed whisper, hot breath against the others neck sending shivers down his spine. The use of his birth name made Wei WuXian fall even more under the spell of the ravenous Second Jade of Lan. The small moans that Lan WangJi was drawing from Wei WuXian only served to push the beast over the edge, and pretty soon, Lan WangJi had once again started to move his hands all over Wei WuXian’s body, learning what the other boy liked, and learning how to make him lose himself in Lan WangJi’s touch. All the while, Wei WuXian’s moans grew louder and louder, and the otherwise strong boy became a puddle of whines and lust under Lan WangJi’s touch.

“Yes Lan Zha-Zh-Zhan” Wei WuXian- Wei Ying- answered in between moans. At that Lan Zhan kissed him forcefully, and finally let his true skin show. Wei Ying thought Lan Zhan was the most beautiful being he had ever seen. His fiery red eyes were almost black from the lust, and his split tongue was exploring every plane in Wei Ying’s body. The slightly sharper claws raked up and down his skin, and every once in a while played with his rim, drawing out even more moans and lighting a flame in his lower belly. And the horns on Lan WangJi, on Lan Zhan, were the most beautiful ivory he had ever seen. After some time Lan Zhan wanted to hear Wei Ying’s alluring voice once more, and so he moved even closer to the whimpering mess of a boy that he was. He pressed his hardness to the others thigh, and proceeded to rub it against the others erection, causing the already loud moans to grow even louder.

“Talk to me Wei Ying. I want to hear your beautiful voice scream my name. I want everyone to know that you are mine.” Seeing the reaction his words brought to Wei Ying, he continued. “I want people to hear you all the way from Gusu, from Lotus Pier, I want the whole world to know.” This level of shamelessness made Wei Ying want to take Lan Zhan even more, and he was having trouble holding back, eyes rolling back into his head and his moans and whimpers growing softer with the discomfort.

“Lan Zhan…Lan Zhan… Le-le-let me cum, p-p-please d-da-daddy.” The endearing term made Lan Zhan smirk, and he deftly loosened the knot on the ribbon that had somehow made its way onto Wei Ying, letting him find his release and following soon after.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

Lan Zhan could feel the quickened pulse of the beautiful almost human he had caught when he collapsed, and swiftly moved them both to clean up. This was all the confirmation he needed. Wei Ying was not fully human. The thought made him smile. Thinking back to the beautiful way in which he begged for release, and the godly eyes with which he had looked at him, it made sense that someone so accepting and so beautiful was not fully human. He looked at Wei Ying, and saw the most adoring face looking back at him. Good. Let them be on the same page. Now it was probably not the best idea to clean themselves with the pond water, bloody with the still-leaking carcass of the Xuanyu of Slaughter, but then they could probably withstand more than most of the cultivators in their generation. Lan WangJi was essentially a demon after all, and Wei WuXian was a variation of the Hundun. Not that he knew that.

Lan Zhan pondered over this new status in their relationship in his true form, and found that for the first time in years, the beast was no longer fighting to take over the human part of him. He let himself feel a little surprised at this as he finished cleaning them both up and found that he was truly at peace, truly in harmony with the less human aspect of himself. It unlocked something else in him, and let him feel more human than he ever had. It was at this time that Wei Ying had started to shiver a bit, letting out the cutest little moan before snuggling up closer to Lan Zhan. When Lan Zhan made a move to get up he only pouted and latched onto his neck with more force. Lan Zhan chuckled.

“We need to get ready my love. Your brother could be here at any moment” He said softly. Wei Ying blushed slightly when being called “my love”, but nodded and let Lan Zhan get up. Then he promptly jumped into his arms, wrapped his legs around his waist, and let himself be cuddled to the other side of the cave, before letting Lan Zhan dress him. Lan Zhan laughed before looking at him mischievously. “

Brat.” He said jokingly. He glanced at the now clothed boy and let out a breathy chuckle. Wei Ying looked at him with curiosity, before he slowly crawled closer and closer to Lan Zhan. He stopped when they were only a hair's breadth away from each other, before saying “your brat” and tackling him with a kiss. Lan Zhan almost didn’t feel the rough rocks that greeted his back when they fell onto the floor, and Wei Ying didn’t seem to mind when Lan Zhan turned him onto his back after the other had said

“Make me yours Lan-er-gege.” And if the Jiang’s thought that Wei Ying had a fever, and that he was exhausted because of the Xuanyu of Slaughter well, that was their mistake. Afterwards when they lay together, waiting for Jiang Cheng and the others to find them, Lan Zhan smiled softly, thinking that maybe everything would be all right. As long as Wei Ying was with him. As long as Wei Ying was safe. There was nothing Lan Zhan would not do to make sure that Wei Ying was safe, that Wei Ying was his. Every beast needs a mate after all. 


	2. And We Are Meant To Be In Our Own Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lan Zhan is an insecure little shit and really needs better ways to cope with that.
> 
> 11.09- jealousy

Something broke in Lan Zhan when he saw Wei Ying with Wen Xu. Now to be clear they were not doing anything other than what good friends might do, like catching up, laughing at an old joke, and a fond smile at a memory. There was nothing important in the conversation itself, and there was nothing suggestive about the way in which they were spending some time together. And yet something broke in him at the sight of his beautiful lover standing so close to the Wen Corporation heir. Who, he knew, also happened to be his ex. His long term ex. His best friend, the person he had told everything to before they had met, and his fourth closest confidant (the first being himself, the second being his shijie, and the third being Jiang Cheng). He could feel the burning sensation in his chest when looking at them. He tried to swallow it down, but it would not budge. He did not even notice when Wei Ying approached him.

“-be? Babe?” He shook himself out of the stupor of pure vinegar that surrounded him to look at his beautiful boyfriend. He quickly plastered on a fake half-smile. Even if Wei Ying would not be fooled by it, everyone else would. In truth, Wei Ying would only grow worried, but probably not say anything. He looped his arm around Wei Ying and pulled him close. That brought out a giggle from the other man, and after quickly waving to Wen Xu, the supposedly happy couple were off.  
They wandered around the brightly lit street market for a while, stealing kisses every now and then, and stopping to buy food that caught their eyes. It was date night after all. Truly, there was no reason to be jealous, as Wei Ying was only asking after Wen Xu’s nephew, the adorable A-Yuan. Both he and Wei Ying loved the little boy like if he were their own son, and so of course Lan Zhan had agreed to say hi to Wen Xu. Unfortunately, the annoying pain in his chest did not subside, even after rationalizing this fact. It’s not like Wei Ying had ever given him a reason to doubt their relationship. He was always patient with his temper tantrums (that is what they were, no matter how he tried to mask it), he had become a lot more organized for the sake of Lan Zhan’s peace of mind, and he made sure that he always knew that he was loved. They never talked about his little bouts of jealousy.

In truth, Lan Zhan was terrified that one day Wei Ying would decide that he was not worth the effort. Hell he didn’t think he was worth the effort, so why should Wei Ying? Maybe that’s why he let the jealousy get the best of him.

\-----------------------------------------------------

Everything was going great. Wei Ying had set up a very beautiful at home movie theatre sort of thing for them both, and had snacks, blankets and pillows at the ready. Though they shared the apartment, there were certain areas that could be counted as “Wei Ying’s” and areas that could be counted as “Lan Zhan’s”. The home movie theatre was in Wei Ying’s space, if only because he wanted to let the other man know that he loved him. It was going to be perfect. They needed something to wind them down. All that was missing was Lan Zhan.  
The past couple of days had been particularly stressful for them both. It was the end of the term, and with exams fast approaching, they did not get to spend a lot of quality time together. Wei Ying missed his boyfriend. He was really looking forward to this evening.  
He waited for half an hour before he started getting worried. Lan Zhan was never late. If Lan Zhan was going to be late, he would write to let him know. With every second that passed, Wei Ying’s anxiety grew and grew. Maybe he should have told Lan Zhan about his plan? What if something bad had happened? He tried calling Lan Zhan a couple of times, but there was no response. He quickly wrote to Lan Huan, to Nie HuaiSang, and even to Jiang Cheng to see if any of them had heard from Lan Zhan. He did not write to Wen Xu. He knew that would only piss Lan Zhan off. All of them said that they had not heard from him, and Lan Huan told him that he could look at his location to see where he was. For some reason that made Wei Ying want to throw up. Surely there was no need to spy on Lan Zhan. He declined and just told him to let him know if he heard anything about the other boy.  
As midnight grew closer and Wei Ying grew more tired, his thoughts drifted to the worst-case scenarios. Not the ones where Lan Zhan was hurt, no he trusted his boyfriend to be resourceful enough to not get himself killed, or maimed, or even slightly injured. No, his mind drifted to all of the times he had caught Lan Zhan turn almost red with rage at him talking to one of his friends or another. And he thought about the possessiveness Lan Zhan had displayed over and over again. He thought about the worst possible scenario and almost burst into tears.  
Lan Zhan had been pulling away from him, and no matter what he said or did, he felt so distanced from the man he loved with all of his heart. His tender looks had grown fewer and with more time between them. And it’s not like he dated Lan Zhan only for the sex, but it had been a while since Lan Zhan had even initiated a kiss. His heart did a double take as tears prickled at the back of his throat. Did Lan Zhan not love him anymore? It was just at that moment when Lan Zhan walked through the door, a smirk on his face, smelling slightly of smoke, alcohol, and sex, lips swollen with bites, and hickeys all up the side of his neck. Wei Ying rubbed his eyes slightly, and blinked back the tears that were threatening to spill out at any moment.  
“L-La-Lan Zhan?” he managed to croak out as he looked up at the source of his current heartbreak with pleading eyes.  
“Wei Ying.” The other responded. The smirk had faded into a scowl as he looked at the supposed love of his life with alcohol-induced disdain. He shook himself and looked at Wei Ying once more. “I was not expecting you to be awake.” He said. Then he started walking towards their bathroom. Wei Ying got up, mustered as much strength as he could, and forced Lan Zhan to turn around and look at him. Then, peering into his eyes he took a deep breath and spoke.  
“Where were you?”

\-----------------------------------------------------

Lan Zhan was taken aback by the determination he saw in Wei Ying’s eyes. He would never admit it and no one would ever believe it, but his heart broke a little when he looked at the pain in his soon to be ex boyfriend’s eyes. He swallowed thickly, and walked over to the fridge, evading Wei Ying’s sharp gaze. He poured himself a glass of water under the frigid gaze of someone who had just had their heart ripped out and fed to them. Lan Zhan avoided that gaze. He knew that he was in the wrong, knew that he should have talked to Wei Ying, but even if he had, the little serpent of jealousy would have never truly left. Not that it mattered anymore.

“You didn’t call.” Wei Ying started again. This time he was not looking at Lan Zhan. He continued. “You didn’t text.” This was also followed by more silence. Finally, he looked at Lan Zhan. “You didn’t tell me you weren’t coming home. You said nothing. Nothing!” Wei Ying started getting angry at this point, and started pacing around the living room, glancing at Lan Zhan every once in a while.

“And then you have the audacity to come home like this.” He said. He grabbed a pillow and threw it at the wall. This act of aggression from the generally peaceful Wei Ying seemed to draw Lan Zhan out of his trance. He pushed himself up and walked towards the raging boy, and tried to draw him into a hug, murmuring “Wei Ying”.

“Don’t touch me!” Wei Ying yelled out. “You have no right to touch me right now.” He said a little more quietly. Lan Zhan could see Wei Ying’s heart breaking into a thousand little pieces, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. He wanted to care, but he just couldn’t. He stopped trying to hug Wei Ying and moved back onto the couch, feeling like a truck had just run over him. Just then, Wei Ying’s phone rang, and he went to pick it up. It could be important. He kind of wished he had not. It was Nie HuaiSang. He looked at Lan Zhan with a tired glance and walked into his room.

“Wei Ying? Are you there?”Nie HuaiSang asked.

“Yeah I’m here A-Sang. Whats up?” He answered.

“Wei Ying, I think you should know where Lan WangJi was tonight.” HuaiSang answered after a second.

“A-Sang…” Wei Ying could say more. He finally started letting the tears that he had been holding back fall.

“A-Ying? Are you crying?” It seemed that the realisation dawned on him suddenly. “Shit, Lan WangJi just got to your place didn’t he?”

Wei Ying mumbled a soft “yeah” before sniffling loudly. Then he composed himself as best as he could before telling HuaiSang to go on.

“A-Ying I’m going to give you the facts. Hopefully that will make it easier for you. He went to Nightless City, got drunk, made out with quite literally half the club, before hooking up with Su She.”

Wei Ying was dumbfounded. No wonder Lan Zhan looked the way he did, smelled the way he did.

“A-Ying?” HuaiSang asked tentatively.

Wei Ying sighed, and let out a pained chuckle. “Can I please wake up from this nightmare?”

“Oh A-Ying.” HuaiSang responded. “Talk to him, if only to tell him to fuck off. And can I give you a suggestion? Call Wen Xu. You know he will be there for you no matter what. You need someone who you can trust right now that has no affiliation to Lan WangJi. If you don’t tell him I will write to him and tell him to go over to your place.”

After a few seconds Wei Ying agreed, said goodbye, and hung up. Then he shot Wen Xu a text.

Chu Chu Train

0:30 am  
Hey XuXu?  
I don’t want to be a bother  
Im so sorry to write this late  
Or early hahahahaha  
So um, something happened in Nightless City with Lan WangJi?  
And I could really use a friend right now?  
If you are awake, could you maybe come over  
In like an hour?  
Im sorry  
And thank you

0:31 am  
Of course yingying  
Its not a problem  
Don’t thank me  
Ill be there in an hour  
Do I need to kick his ass?  
Imma kick his ass  
Wen Chao just told me what happened  
Imma kick his ass so hard hes not gonna have one tomorrow  
You can’t stop me  
Ill be there in an hour then.  
Thank you XuXu  
I want to know why he did what he did  
And then I want him gone  
Thank you so much

Having the certainty that Wen Xu was going to come help him get through the night, he ventured out to the living room and sat down on the edge farthest from Lan WangJi on the couch. Then he turned to look at him, searching for some sign of remorse, of any lingering love.

\-----------------------------------------------------

“Why?” Wei Ying asked after a few seconds of painful silence. He forced himself to look at Lan Zhan- no at Lan WangJi, before speaking up again. “Was I not enough Lan Zha-WangJi?” he said, voice cracking. “Did you have to go and sleep with Su She of all people? Did you have to push me away instead of talking to me?” The tears that had dried up after talking to HuaiSang started overflowing again. Lan Zhan looked at him pleadingly, as if asking him to stop, and started to call his name, before Wei Ying interrupted him with the most pressing question.

“How could you do this to me? After everything we’ve been through?” Lan Zhan looked at him with a distant expression, and Wei Ying knew he didn’t have an answer. He let himself fall to the ground, defeated. There was nothing more to it was there? There was nothing that had made him want to stay. He looked up at the love of his life, and let himself drink in those beautiful golden eyes one last time. Then he whispered the words that would make Lan WangJi remember how badly he had fucked up, even in his still half-drunk stupor.

“I wasn’t good enough for you was I?” By then it was 1:15 am, and Wei Ying was not going to make it to 1:30 for Wen Xu to pick up the pieces. Then he looked at Lan Zhan- he could still call him Lan Zhan in his head right?- and gave him the most melancholy smile the other man had ever seen. “I guess I understand. I’m too quiet. I’m not pretty enough for you. I don’t like to party, and I study too much.” Wei Ying’s voice was fragile, almost as fragile as his heart in this moment, but he needed to say it. He couldn’t hate the person who had made him so happy for most of their life, even if he had just fed him his own beating heart. “Wen Xu thought the same. So did Xue Yang. Even Jiang Cheng thinks that some times. I guess you were no different.” The tears were running again. He needed to end things now. Otherwise he would never walk away. “I hope-” his voice cracked a little more. He cleared his throat and looked at Lan WangJi. “I hope you can find something that makes you happy enough that you stay with them.” Then he turned and fled. He only needed to be strong for 10 more minutes.

\-----------------------------------------------------

Lan Zhan was not expecting Wei Ying to wait up for him. In truth, he was pushing Wei Ying away so that the other would leave to find someone better. He didn’t know why, he didn’t want to let go of the person who had loved him unconditionally for a little over 10 years. At first it was only friendship, at first it was Lan Zhan trying to hide from Wei Ying because Wei Ying was too perfect. Wei Ying spent all his time with Wen Xu, with Jiang Cheng, with Nie Huaisang and Wen Qing. He didn’t have many friends, but he was well liked. He was quiet, he was soft, he was perfect, and Lan Zhan fell in love at first sight. And yet he had stayed away at first. Until Wei Ying walked up to him with a cup of green tea and a croissant and asked him why he always walked away when he tried to talk to him. Somehow Wei Ying had known what his go to order had been, and had wanted to talk to him enough that he had stopped him in a place where he could not run away.

That was a few years ago. They had started spending more time and three years later they had started going out. That was two years after Wei Ying and Wen Xu had broken up. Lan Zhan was the one that had picked up the pieces Wen Xu left. It was more than jealousy with Wen Xu, but he made Wei Ying happy, and had not hurt him since.

Then, a year later, they moved to college and had ended up in the same place. The moved in together, and it was perfect. It should have been perfect. But everyone loved Wei Ying, and Lan Zhan was loved by Wei Ying and his brother and maybe Nie Mingjue at most. It hurt. It made him realise that he was a shitty person. It made him realise that Wei Ying deserved better. He proved it to himself when he got drunk at Nightless City and fucked Su She, for no other reason that he didn’t feel good enough for Wei Ying.

He was not expecting Wei Ying to wait up for him, had not expected his alcohol tolerance to fail him today. Maybe he had drunk more than he had thought. And he did not expect it all to fall apart so beautifully. He did not hope that Wei Ying would forgive him, as there was no way to hide what he had done. He did not expect to keep this beautiful person with him for much longer, and it hurt. It burned in his chest, knowing that tomorrow he would have only one person who cared for him. He never wanted to hurt Wei Ying. He only wanted to hurt himself. He did.

Looking at Wei Ying trying to stay strong, and blaming himself for it all, was like if someone had very slowly pushed a rusted, serrated knife into his gut, and had then twisted it, ripped it out, and added salt and lemon to the wound. Wei Ying walking away was just the cherry on top, and it gave his heart a final squeeze. He had heard Wei Ying talk to Nie Huaisang, and knew that Wen Xu was coming soon. He didn’t know what to do with Wei Ying, he couldn’t face him. He could face Wen Xu though. Just then the doorbell rang. Lan Zhan got up to open the door.

\-----------------------------------------------------

“You little shit!” Wen Xu hissed. Lan WangJi only looked at him with glassy eyes. This caught Wen Xu’s attention. Usually Lan WangJi looked at him with hatred, with resentment, with jealousy. It was obvious that the other man had it out for him for being Wei Ying’s ex, for being Wei Ying’s best friend, for being there. But there was no trace of that now. It was all sadness and pain, and it seemed like it had been there before. He had seen that look on so many people before. This wasn’t new. Wen Xu shook his head and pulled Lan WangJi out of the doorway.

“I’m here for Wei Ying. I’m here because my best friend wrote to me telling me that something had happened with you at Nightless City. I’m here because my little brother told me he saw you hooking up with Su She.” He started, getting agitated after a few sentences, but still keeping his voice down. He looked Lan WangJi up and down, and pulled him into a hug. “But I’ve hurt him too, and I understand that loosing him is hard. I don’t agree with what you did, nor will I ever forgive you, but you deserve love even if you don’t believe it and hurting other people will do nothing to help whatever problem it is you have.”

\-----------------------------------------------------

Lan WangJi had stiffened when Wen Xu pulled him into a hug. And he started crying at what Wen Xu said. Then he pushed him away, looked him in the eyes, and sighed. He wiped his tears, straightened his back and looked at Wen Xu once again. The he started talking. Haltingly of course, but he did what he knew how to do best. He took the blame.

“We’re over.” He took a deep breath, and then continued. “Of course we’re over.” At this he looked at Wen Xu making sure that he was paying attention. Then he went on again. “Listen…You’re his best friend. You are there for him. I…I completely fucked up. There is no excuse. I hurt him.” He swallowed the tears that caught at the back of his throat, and forced himself to go on. “But he didn’t do anything. He just blamed himself.” It was getting harder to talk but he had to go on. “You’re his best friend, and I completely fucked up, and he didn’t do anything. He didn’t punch me, or hurt me, or punish me. He just took the blame for something he didn’t have any part in. He was- is - so sad.” Lan Zhan was almost sobbing at this point but he forced himself to be strong. “Please. Please be angry with me. Please give me what I deserve.” Then he looked down. He couldn’t bear to look at the person Wei Ying would begin to turn to once again, the person who had more or less started it all. He waited for a punch that never came. He looked up at Wen Xu, expectantly. Then, Wen Xu spoke.

“Look man, I can’t say I understand who in their right mind would cheat on Wei Ying. But then I don’t think you are in your right mind. The pain of seeing him break is punishment enough.” He looked at Lan Zhan, and sighed. “Get out. Leave. He doesn’t need you here right now. Go to your brother. You guys can talk when you are both rested, sober, and cool-headed.” Lan Zhan nodded, got his shit, and left to go to his brothers house. Before he walked out of the door, he looked at Wen Xu nodded.

“I am trusting you to make sure he’s ok. I fucked up but he deserves to be happy. I love him. Just, make sure he’s ok please.” Wen Xu nodded, Lan Zhan left and Wei Ying walked into the room.

\-----------------------------------------------------  
“XuXu?” the tear-heavy voice called out. Wen Xu looked at his ex lover, at his best friend, and his heart broke. Wei Ying had dark circles under his eyes, and his entire face was puffed up from crying. He looked as if though he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. The usually cheerful boy was wilted, and he looked as if though he was going to burst into tears once more. Wen Xu immediately moved to give the other boy a hug.

“Oh A-Ying.” He murmured. Then he picked up the other boy, and moved them to the living room. On the way he saw the now cold and dark movie setup. It made him wish he had punched Lan WangJi. But he knew the other boy had had difficulty finding his self worth. He couldn’t agree with cheating on such a wonderful person, but everyone deals with insecurity differently. Lan WangJi only knew how to hurt others to make them go away. Still, he held Wei Ying even closer, and whispered sweet nothings into his ear. When they had reached Wei Ying’s room, he put him down on the bed gently, and wrapped a blanket around the still crying boy. Then there was silence. Unil Wei Ying whispered what Wen Xu never doubted, even though he hated it.

“I don’t want to lose him XuXu.” He said in between muffled sobs. Wen Xu could only rub Wei Ying’s back and sit next to him, offering as much emotional support as possible. As much as he currently hated this, those two idiots were made for each other. They needed to work through this, and Lan WangJi needed to work through his own personal issues, but they were happy most of the time. He snapped out of his painful contemplation when Wei Ying sniffled and started talking again.

“I can’t lose him XuXu!” A loud sob ripped through him before he continued. “But…but he doesn’t want me anymore.” This was interrupted by another sob. “I wasn’t good enough for him. I couldn’t keep him. A bunch of strangers and Su She were better than me, were more appealing to him than me.” By now the waterworks were running freely, and Wei Ying was shaking from the force of his sobs. Wen Xu could almost see the words “Not Good Enough” floating in Wei Ying’s head. Now this he could not stand.

“No sir!” Wei Ying looked startled at his sudden outburst. Wen Xu ignored him, and continued talking. “I can understand that you don’t want to lose him. I can understand that it hurts right now. Shit I will even go and punch some sense into him if you guys don’t talk this out tomorrow. But you deserve to be happy.” Here he swallowed painfully. They had talked about why they broke up, and they had put aside their differences, but Wen Xu knew that he had been the first to harm Wei Ying in a way that made him doubt himself. Well, to be fair that was Madam Yu, until Wei Ying had almost died because of his self-harming tendencies, and then she realised that maybe she was fucking up a perfectly good child. Things between the two were strange, but they were respectful and courteous, and that was better than whatever it was that Madam Yu had been doing to Wei Ying beforehand.

Regardless of that, Wen Xu had hurt Wei Ying. He had called him boring, had said that he was not attractive enough, and had resented him for studying so much. His dedication had got him into his dream university, which had also given him the chance to chase his goals, and his beauty had made heads turn. Of course, with his poor self-esteem, he never realised this. And so Wen Xu’s words had been the first to break him down after his suicide attempt. Wen Xu regretted it more than anything else in his life. He had resolved to make life easier for Wei Ying, to make sure that he never felt unloved or unwanted ever again. They had been close friends, and then they had dated for a few years. Wen Xu never noticed how bad Wei Ying’s mental state was, not until he got that fateful call from Jiang Yanli. He was scared to death, and three months later he had hurt Wei Ying because he was too scared to lose him. Wei Ying seemed to attract the self-conscious assholes. But right now the only thing he could do was be there for the person he had loved, and still loved, so fiercely. He hugged Wei Ying, rubbing his back comfortingly.

“You deserve the happiness he gave you. You don’t deserve to be cheated on, even if he was drunk, but he makes you happy.” He didn’t let go until he felt Wei Ying stop crying. Then he pulled away, and looked at him. “You should sleep A-Ying.”  
“Will you stay XuXu?” The other boy asked. Wen Xu nodded, and walked out of Wei Ying’s room after wishing him goodnight. He missed the pained look on Wei Ying’s face when he was walking out.

\-----------------------------------------------------

Wen Xu had not slept very well, but he had slept a little bit. It was now 6:30 in the morning, and he was expecting Wei Ying to leave his room any moment now. The other was a notoriously early riser. He entertained himself by making sure there was coffee ready, that there was a nice warm breakfast waiting, and then sat on the kitchen table while he waited for Wei Ying to walk out of his room. He sipped his coffee and waited some more. 5 minutes turned into 10, 10 into 30, until it was almost 8, and Wei Ying was nowhere to be seen.

Wen Xu sensed that something was off, and ran as fast as he could to We Ying’s room. He knocked on the door at first, calling out “A-Ying” before opening it. He wished he hadn’t, and he wished he had come sooner.

The first thing he saw was Wei Ying curled up in a ball on his bed, breath ragged and uneven. It was a relief. And then he noticed the red stains on the blue sheets. He saw the razor laying by his side, and almost screamed. He forced his breathing to calm down, and once he had made sure that Wei Ying was not awake yet, but alive nonetheless, took out his phone and wrote to Lan WangJi.

that one asshole

8:04 am  
You need to come here  
Now  
Not a question  
Its an order  
Be prepared to face an ugly situation  
8:06 am  
What happened  
Im on my way  
What happened  
Is he ok  
8:08 am  
Hes not good  
He needs you  
I couldn’t do anything  
Hes breathing, and the bleeding stopped  
8:10  
shit  
did he?  
He did didn’t he.  
Fuck  
Ok Im nearly there

At that moment Wen Xu thanked the Lan family obsession with keeping its family members close by. He then went to sit by Wei Ying. He hoped the other boy would wake up soon. He hoped Wei Ying would wake up. He didn’t know what he would do if he didn’t. Kill Lan WangJi probably.  
\-----------------------------------------------------  
Wei Ying groaned as he woke up. He blinked a bit, before trying to move into a more comfortable position. Then, he felt the pain. Looking down, he saw that his arms were covered with raw cuts, small and large, going in all directions. Oh. He started to recall the events of the previous night. Oh. He recalled crying his eyes out, and Wen Xu staying with him until he had stopped sobbing. Then Wen Xu left. Wei Ying smiled sadly, as he remembered the rest of the early morning.  
He had held out as much as he could. Every time he tried to close his eyes to sleep, Lan Zhan would pop into his head, with his beautiful eyes and his traitorous lips. Then the pain would start all over again. He couldn’t leave the room to get alcohol because Wen Xu was probably staying on the remarkably comfortable couch. He truly did hold out as much as he could, until the pain grew to be too much. Then he slowly walked over to the hidden compartment in his closet. He pulled out the silvery relief, and walked back to his bed. There he sat for a while, looking at the thing that was both his worst enemy and his most loyal friend. Then he brought it up to his bare arms and ran it across his marked, pale skin.

The first one was shallow. He was scared. Last time he had done that, he had almost died. He wondered if dying would be so bad now. The second one stung a little more. From then on it was as if he couldn’t stop. He made sure that the bleeding didn’t get on the sheets, or anywhere on the floor of course, until he cut a little deeper than he had anticipated. Then he only rushed to the bathroom to stop the bleeding. He just wanted release. He didn’t want any trouble. He moved to his legs, covering the already-existing scars with new wounds. Then, after quite a bit of blood-loss and time, he fell asleep, curled up, looking for the warmth and security he thought he was no longer worthy of.

He had not expected to wake up at all, at least not for a while. He was also not expecting Wen Xu to be sitting in the chair where he usually threw his clothes. He looked at the time, and silently cursed himself. No wonder Wen Xu was sitting expectantly. It was almost 9:30. He had overslept by 3 hours. That was almost unheard of for him. As soon as he sat up, Wen Xu rushed over to him, and threw his arms around him.  
“What were you thinking you dumbass!” Wen Xu cried out. Tentatively, Wei Ying put his own mangled arms around Wen Xu, and was grateful for the soft security of his bed. His arms and legs hurt and he was pretty sure that if he had touched them with anything that was not soft he would scream out in pain. That was the point of what he did, but it didn’t make it any more pleasant.

“I’m sorry you have to see this XuXu.” Was all Wei Ying replied. He was not going to lie. He was not sorry for harming himself. It was too addicting. Before Lan Zhan had helped him distract himself when he wanted to do anything of that sort, but now that help was gone. He knew this, and didn’t think of looking for more help. What was the point anyway? He also knew that Wen Xu did not miss this specific choice of words, but chose to ignore it. Then his nose noticed the smell of bacon, and he realised that he had not eaten in almost 24 hours. He was starving.  
“XuXu, are you cooking something?” He asked. He wouldn’t put it past his best friend to start cooking something and forget about it straight away. Wen Xu’s eyes widened and he started laughing.

“A-Ying! I had made you breakfast!” Then he looked at Wei Ying and smiled. “It’s probably cold now, seeing as you took so long to wake up.” Then he looked at Wei Ying and quietly said “You scared me A-Ying.” Wei Ying hugged him tighter.

“I’m sorry.” This time he meant it. Then his stomach grumbled.

“I know A-Ying.” Wen Xu responded. “So am I.” The he cracked a grin and said, “Lets go eat!” before pulling Wei Ying out into the living room, then the kitchen.  
Wei Ying stopped laughing as soon as he saw the pale face of the love of his life sitting at the dining room table. His eyes were puffed up, and he looked like death. The dark circles under his eyes revealed just how little he had slept, and the blank look on his face hurt him all over again, only that for a different reason. Lan Zhan looked up at him and burst into tears.

“Wei Ying.” He said softly. He got up slowly, tentatively, leaving the cup of coffee on the table to cool even more than it already had. Neither of them noticed when Wen Xu slowly walked back to the living room, giving the couple their space.

\-----------------------------------------------------

Lan Zhan travelled the few steps it took to get to Wei Ying in record time before taking the others hands in his own. Wei Yin let him, too surprised to see Lan Zhan here at all. He let Lan Zhan turn his arms over, looking at all the new wounds, and going over them with such tenderness, Wei Ying almost started crying himself. He felt the sharp intake of breath as Lan Zhan got to the deepest one, the one that had made him almost pass out. Painfully slowly, Lan Zhan moved his hands back down Wei Ying’s arms, Then, Lan Zhan peered into his eyes, as if asking if there were more. Wei Ying wanted to look at him and pretend that there were no more, but even now he couldn’t hide from Lan Zhan. He was the first to look away, and slowly nodded. He felt Lan Zhan’s grip tighten ever so slightly, and then go back up his arms. He shook his head. Lan Zhan moved his hands to his collarbones, stopping lightly to touch his neck. Then he moved them down his chest. Wei Ying shook his head again.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Lan Zhan swallow thickly, not because of lust as all of the previous times, but in a way he had not seen him swallow before. He was truly worried. Wei Ying let himself hope. Lan Zhan let his hands go lower, stopping at Wei Ying’s abdomen. Another shake of the head, and Wei Ying felt Lan Zhan’s hands move to his hips.

Wei Ying didn’t do anything. Lan Zhan nodded, understanding what he meant. He started to kneel, and Wei Ying felt the others hands go down his thighs, stopping again. He was looking down at Lan Zhan now, and could see the pain in his eyes when he looked up at him. Again, Wei Ying did nothing. Lan Zhan nodded weakly again, and moved his hands even farther down. After looking at Wei Ying and seeing that the other shook his head, he slowly got back on his feet.

Wei Ying looked up at him, and didn’t pull his hands free of the grip that had found its way back to him. Then he looked down again. He didn’t deserve this, he didn’t deserve Lan Zhan’s concern. He was nothing more than a weak studious boy, and Lan Zhan deserved a world he could not give him.  
Wei Ying let himself enjoy the feel of Lan Zhan’s hands on his own, of Lan Zhan looking at him, before turning his face and pulling away. It felt like his hand would never leave Lan Zhan’s, and then it almost did. Until Lan Zhan caught his hand again, forcing him to stop.

“Wei Ying” sounded that beautiful, hoarse, deep voice that made Wei Ying so happy. He tried to pull away, resolved to just let this – let him –go. “Wei Ying.” Lan Zhan said again. “Don’t leave me.” Those words sounded so silently, barely above a whisper. When Wei Ying did nothing to try to move back to him, Lan Zhan cleared his throat, and tried again. “Wei Ying. Stay with me. Please.” Wei Ying felt a tug, and let himself be pulled into Lan Zhan’s embrace.

\-----------------------------------------------------

When Wen Xu wrote to him telling him that there was a lot of blood, Lan Zhan’s already numb heart almost stopped. He knew he had messed up, and was prepared to let go of Wei Ying if that made him happy. He had hoped that the ten years they had known each other would be enough for them to have been able to get Wei Ying to stop relying on self harm to let out his emotions, but he knew that he was the one who would stop Wei Ying. Wei Ying had not yet learned to stop himself. So, as worried as he was, Lan Zhan was not surprised.

When he got to their apartment –it still counted as theirs right? They hadn’t said that they were over, Wei Ying had just walked away, had just said that he hoped that he could find someone that made him want to stay, surely that meant that there was still hope – he texted Wen Xu rather than ringing the doorbell, so as to not wake Wei Ying up. He had forgotten his keys in the rush to get over there as quickly as possible. Wen Xu opened the door, and let Lan Zhan in as silently as possible. Then he closed the door, and punched Lan Zhan in the face.

It wouldn’t leave any marks, and Lan Zhan didn’t cry out, but he knew he deserved it. Then Wen Xu hugged him for the second time within the span of 8 hours, and sobbed silently. Shyly, Lan Zhan returned the hug, and rubbed Wen Xu’s back comfortingly. After a while, Wen Xu pulled away.  
“Would you like some coffee?” He asked. Lan Zhan nodded, and went to sit at the kitchen table. Wen Xu brought the coffee over for Lan Zhan, excused himself by saying he was going to wait for Wei Ying to wake up in his room, so that he would not wake up alone, and left Lan Zhan to drink his coffee in the cold company of his kitchen.

He let the tears fall. In between sips of bitter coffee he remembered every little thing about Wei Ying he knew. He was afraid that if the other boy didn’t wake up, he would start to forget. He did not wish to forget. Even if Wei Ying lived, he never wanted to forget ever again. He let every memory run through his mind, letting the tears fall until there was nothing left to do but wait for Wei Ying to wake up.

When he heard the door open, and saw Wei Ying come out of it with Wen Xu, it took him a moment to realise that he was not dreaming. When Wei Ying started at him, he snapped out of it. He got up and rushed over to make sure that the other boy was ok. He nodded at Wen Xu before this one walked out of the kitchen, and then started inspecting his lover.

They used to do this, after he had almost lost him for the first time. Wei Ying would nod or shake his head as Lan Zhan lovingly roamed his body with his hands. Sometimes it led to something more, but more often than not, it ended with Wei Ying curled up on Lan Zhan, both of them on the couch, with Lan Zhan humming soothingly. He wished they could have that again.

He could see where Wei Ying had started, where the cuts were shallow. He could see where they got deeper the higher up he went. He found the one that had probably led to the blood on the bed sheets. He wanted to stop, to hug Wei Ying, to tell him that he loved him. He wanted Wei Ying to understand that it could be no one but him, that he had hurt him out of a jealous rage. He forced himself to go on.

Lan Zhan’s heart broke a little more each time Wei Ying nodded, and wished he could kiss the cuts, if only to make Wei Ying understand that he was beautiful regardless. When he was done, he held Wei Ying’s hands in his own, and looked at his beautiful grey eyes. Maybe everything would be all right.  
But then Wei Ying started to pull away. Lan Zhan could not let him go, not again, not now, not ever. He held on. He asked Wei Ying to stay with him. He pulled him into a hug, wrapped tightly enough that he could not run away. Then after a deep breath, Lan Zhan sighed, and pushed Wei Ying away slightly, so that he could look at the other’s eyes.

“I… I’m sorry.” He started out weakly. Wei Ying quirked his head to the side, and looked at Lan Zhan expectantly. “I don’t know what came over me.” He started again. Then he shook his head. He tried to speak, but did not know what to say. Wei Ying tightened his grip on his waist, and waited patiently. Gods he loved him. Finally, he said “I never wanted to hurt you.” Wei Ying looked at him again, contemplating this confession.

“Then…why did you do it Lan Zhan?” The name was everything Lan Zhan needed to gain the strength to be able to tell Wei Ying exactly what was bothering him. He took in a deep breath, pulled Wei Ying in, and rested his chin on the others head. This way, he could hold all that was dear close to him, while also having Wei Ying’s beautiful breath on his neck distracting him from the pain that would surely overflow as soon as he started talking.

“I…I was…jealous.” He started. He could feel Wei Ying chuckling slightly, and he went on. “I tried to push it down, but I know I’m not worthy of you. I know that you could do so much better.” Wei Ying tried to push away, but Lan Zhan held on harder. “I don’t want to lose you, but I know you will leave me eventually. I thought it was better to push you away first.” He took a shaky breath and finally said what had hurt the most to think about. “I didn’t think you would care enough for it to hurt you.”

“Oh Lan Zhan.” He heard, and then Wei Ying was pressing his face to his neck, and had started to cry.

\-----------------------------------------------------

“Don’t cry my love” Wei Ying heard Lan Zhan mumble into his hair. The other boy held him closer than ever, not willing to let go again. Wei Ying returned the fierce embrace, afraid that if he did let go, he would fall to the ground. Wei Ying inhaled the sweet smell of sandalwood and coffee, letting it calm him down. When he had hiccupped his way into a calmer state, he pushed away softly, and looked at Lan Zhan.

“I thought you were bored of me Lan Zhan.” He said. He looked at Lan Zhan, waiting for the fateful moment when he said that he had been bored, but it never came. Instead, Lan Zhan looked down, avoiding his gaze. He still held him tightly, not willing to let go, but could not meet his eyes.  
“I don’t deserve you Wei Ying. I was trying to prove that to you.” Then Lan Zhan started to cry as well. Wei Ying pulled him close once more, saying nothing. Then Lan Zhan spoke again, in between sobs.

“And then…I almost lost you. I cant lose you Wei Ying. Don’t leave me. Promise me.” Lan Zhan looked at Wei Ying, before adding a pitiful “Please.”  
“Always Lan Zhan.” Wei Ying was rewarded with a beautiful half smile, and a kiss.

Neither was sure what would happen next, but they felt that it would be all right. As long as they were together, they could face anything.

  
Bonus Scene

When Jiang Cheng heard about the Nightless City incident from Nie Huaisang, he was beyond angry. It was a couple of days after the whole cheating-almost accidental suicide-back together incident, and Jiang Cheng had not seen his adopted older brother since before that night. Jiang Yanli, having already spoken to Lan Xichen, was already aware of what had transpired. Both of the older siblings agree that even though what Lan Zhan had done was wrong, Wei Ying needed him. She had then called Wei Ying to ask if he was ok. When he had avoided the question by talking about his exams, she had gotten in a car and driven over there.  
Jiang Yanli was not happy about the fading red lines that covered his arms once more. She hugged him, and Wei Ying cried into her arms, apologising for almost leaving her. They sat like that for a while, before Jiang Yanli had to leave.  
“XianXian, are you sure you have forgiven him?” She asked before walking out the door. The underlying questions of Are you sure you are ok? and Do you need anything from me? Went unsaid.  
“Shijie, I need him. And he needs me.” He grinned. “It was all, quite literally, a huge misunderstanding.” Jiang Yanli was not convinced, but she trusted her little brother. She gave him one last hug, and started to walk away when Wei Ying called out.  
“Shijie, don’t tell A-Cheng. Let me do it.” She nodded. That was reasonable. Then she walked away.  
What none of the people who knew about the very unfortunate misunderstanding counted on Nie Huaisang to tell Jiang Cheng. So it was quite a shock when Nie Huaisang called Wei Ying to let him know that Lan Zhan should not be anywhere near their house if he wanted to avoid going to the hospital. Of course, Nie Huaisang knew about what had happened that morning. Wen Xu had told him, and had thanked him for convincing Wei Ying to write to him. So if Jiang Cheng was a little more than angry, who could blame him?

\-----------------------------------------------------

“Open the fucking door Wei WuXian!” Jaing Cheng yelled out. Wei Ying looked at Lan Zhan worriedly. His eyes were filled with all of the concern in the world. Was Lan Zhan really going to let Jiang Cheng beat him up? Lan Zhan nodded once, and Wei Ying walked to the door.  
“I’m coming you angry grape!” Then, he opened the door. Jiang Cheng looked at Wei Ying, saw how he was wearing long sleeves and long pants, how he was avoiding his gaze, and pulled him into a hug.  
“Gege why didn’t you tell me?” he whispered into Wei Ying’s ear. Then he felt Wei Ying rub his back, and he pulled him closer. “I almost lost you and if A-Sang hadn’t told me I wouldn’t have known.”  
“I’m sorry A-Cheng. I didn’t know how to tell you.” Wei Ying replied. He pulled away and looked at Jiang Cheng in the eye. “Im here didi. You don’t need to worry anymore.” Jiang Cheng nodded and wiped the tears that were slowly spilling off of his cheeks. Then he saw Lan WangJi. What was that asshole still doing with his older brother?  
“A-Xian, why is that good for nothing whore still here?” He said. Wei Ying’s eyes widened slightly at the insult, before he smiled at Jiang Cheng and pulled him into the living room. There he sat him down, turned to look at him, and started to explain what happened.

\-----------------------------------------------------

“So you’re saying that everything happened because both of you didn’t talk about your insecurities.” Jiang Cheng asked in disbelief. Wei Ying nodded. “Ok. I’m still gonna beat the shit out of him though.”  
Jiang Cheng got up, walked over to where Lan Zhan was, and threw a punch at his face. Then he looked at the man in question and pulled him down to look at him in the eyes.  
“You hurt him again and I will quarter you alive.” He said. He looked at Lan Zhan, making sure that the other man understood that he was not kidding.  
“You wont have to. I would rather kill everyone and then myself than hurt him again.” Then, Lan Zhan lowered his voice. “I may not deserve him, but Ill be even more dammned if I hurt him, or make him unhappy again.” Jiang Cheng nodded, then moved away from Lan Zhan.  
“Wei WuXian, if you ever pull something like that again, I will personally bring you back and kill you for making Shijie cry. And that was as fair a trade as any. Then Jiang Cheng left. Lan Zhan pulled Wei Ying into a hug.

\-----------------------------------------------------

“You scared me bunny.” Was all he said. Wei Ying almost started crying at those words. All he did was pull Lan Zhan impossibly close. He almost didn’t hear when Lan Zhan started crying. He wouldn’t have noticed if it were not for the tear that fell on his cheek.  
“Oh love. Don’t cry!” Wei Ying said. He moved them both to the couch and held Lan Zhan’s face in his hands. He wiped the tears away, and made Lan Zhan look him in the eyes. “I’m here love. I won't leave you if you don’t.” Then he pulled Lan Zhan onto his lap, and simply held him. After a few minutes of sniffling, Lan Zhan pulled away and looked at Wei Ying with puffy eyes.  
“I’m sorry bunny.” He said. The guilt was evident in his eyes, and Wei Ying knew that even though he had been drunk and in a bad mental state, and even though they had talked it out, had gotten past it, Lan Zhan still felt terrible. He probably would feel terrible for years to come. “I don’t deserve you bunny.” Wei Ying simply looked at him, as if asking him to try again. “I…I don’t deserve you, but if I make you happy then I will stay with you.”  
“That’s a good boy Lan Zhan.” Wei Ying murmured. Then he pulled Lan Zhan into another hug.  
Everything would be ok. And if Su She was found dead and presumed to have overdosed a few weeks later, what of it?


	3. When in Doubt, Use a Knife and Tell Me You Love Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lan Zhan is worried because Wei Ying seems to be really distant, but he does not stop to think that maybe its something for him and not for some random hooker Wei Ying is seeing.

Wei Ying was hiding something from him. This much was clear from the deleted search history, the discarded jewellery shop packages, and the way that Wei Ying seemed to want to say something, but then pulled away at the last minute and rushed to write a research paper, or to get groceries, or even simply to go to the bathroom. Lan Zhan was not normally an overbearing boyfriend, and was usually patient with Wei Ying’s distracted demeanour. That proved to be true until Wei Ying had started pulling away from him a few weeks ago.

It had started with an excited giggle, some furious typing, and a pretty loud slamming of the computer. Then Wei Ying had left his office (they agreed that Wei Ying was too messy to share a workspace with Lan Zhan), had made coffee, and had asked Lan Zhan about his day. This was all right, but it kept happening. And then of course, Wei Ying changed his password, hid most of his electronics, and left home way too early for it not to be suspicious.  
Lan Zhan had no reason to doubt Wei Ying. He really didn’t. Though his boyfriend was a mess, he never failed to find something that made Lan Zhan’s day just that bit more special. Yet he kept forgetting to ask about Lan Zhan’s day, and he even missed date night. Lan Zhan had seen enough of his friends go through shitty relationships to know the signs when he saw them. Wei Ying was hiding something, and Lan Zhan was going to figure out what it was.

Lan Zhan kept replaying the voice message in his head. Then he replayed it on his phone. He didn’t want to believe it. But then if he had stopped being paranoid maybe then he would not have asked Xue Yang to spy on Wei Ying at work. He looked at the time, and replayed the audio one last time to be sure that he had not missed anything. Then he would wait for Wei Ying to come home and confront him about it.  
“No A-Cheng I don’t know if he’ll like it. I hope so.” A snort, a chuckle, and the words that froze Lan Zhan’s heart. “Aiya, you know how Lan Zhan is. I have managed to keep it hidden up until now. I don’t think he will find it.” Then, the audio cut off. Wei Ying didn’t want him to find something. A gift for someone else. He waited with a steel resolve, decided on never letting Wei Ying go, no matter what it took.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Lan Zhan I’m ho-mph.” Wei Ying was taken aback by the force of the kiss he was met with, Lan Zhan could tell. The kiss quickly turned violent, and then Lan Zhan pushed Wei Ying aside. As much as Lan Zhan wanted to ravish Wei Ying, he needed to teach the other man a lesson. He firmly took hold of both of Wei Ying’s wrists, and dragged the other man to their bedroom. There, before Wei Ying could make any move to protest, he undressed Wei Ying and tied him to the bed, tight enough that Wei Ying was almost floating. Wei Ying tried to speak, tried to move, tried to move away from him, but Lan Zhan had captured him. Once he was restrained to a satisfying degree, Lan Zhan took out his phone and played the audio.

Wei Ying’s eyes widened when he realised what was going on. Then he shook his head. “Lan Zhan its not-”

“It’s not what, Wei Ying?” He cut off. “You aren’t buying gifts for someone? You aren’t trying to hide from me? You aren’t cheating on me?” Wei Ying looked up at him silently. Maybe it was because he was in too much pain to answer, but Lan Zhan did not care. He carefully picked up one of the knives he had prepared for this occasion, made sure that Wei Ying could see it, and slowly walked over to where his boyfriend was tied up. Then, he carefully settled the tip of the knife to Wei Ying’s belly button, and ever so slowly dragged it up. It wasn’t deep enough to draw blood, or even leave a scar yet, but it was enough to scare Wei Ying. He followed his hand with his eyes, and once the tip of the knife was at Wei Ying’s chin, he tipped Wei Yings chin up with the knife and kissed him dangerously, once, before pulling away and starting to drag the knife down Wei Ying’s torso. Then, Wei Ying spoke up. 

“Marry me.” The knife stopped in its tracks. Lan Zhan looked at Wei Ying, giving him a questioning gaze that did not betray his fast beating heart.

“Marry me Lan Zha-ahn.” In his emotional state, Lan Zhan had accidentally put too much pressure on the knife, cutting into Wei Ying’s skin. Realising this, he quickly let go of the knife, putting it to one side and sitting next to Wei Ying.

“What do you mean?” He asked, a cold jade statue as he was. Wei Ying sighed, and pulled at the ropes, wincing slightly at the sharp tug. He then gave Lan Zhan a look, asking him to let him go. Lan Zhan complied, letting him loose before wiping off the bits of blood that were slowly flowing out of the wound caused by the knife. Both of them ignored the fact that he was evidently hard. There were more important things to focus on at the moment. 

“Can you pass me my jacket please?” Wei Ying asked. Lan Zhan did as he was asked, still too shocked at the sudden question to do anything other than silently hand Wei Ying the jacket. He stared intensely as Wei Ying opened his well-loved leather jacket, and pulled a little black square out of the inside pocket. He tossed the jacket aside, as if it were any other paper that did not matter, rather than the first gift Lan Zhan had ever gotten him. He looked at the box, then at Lan Zhan, then at the box again. He placed it down onto the black silk sheets, and picked at the perfect bedspread. The dark light highlighted the perfect cheekbones that adorned Wei Ying’s beautiful face, and emphasized the little mole below Wei Ying’s mouth Lan Zhan loved to kiss. Lan Zhan was distracted from his gazing by Wei Ying’s loud sigh.

“I would get down on one knee, but I am currently still bleeding a bit so I’d rather not.” Wei Ying started out. Ever so slowly, he moved towards Lan Zhan, moving his hips seductively as he crawled towards his boyfriend on the bed. “I would make an entire event out of it, with a fancy dinner, a proper date, maybe a concert, definitely lots of sex afterwards.” With every word Wei Ying moved his hips slightly, and liked at his lips. Lan Zhan could do nothing but gulp as Wei Ying moved into his lap, pulled the knife out of his hand, and started running it around his neck and down his torso, following the sharp tip with his gaze. Then, Wei Ying threw the knife at the closet, dark enough to hide the various times he had practiced that move in secret. He then took hold of Lan Zhan’s face, and forced the other man to meet his eyes.

“Marry me Lan Zhan.” He said again, strong but vulnerable at the same time. Lan Zhan could do nothing but smile, anxiety that he was being cheated on forgotten.  
He moved up to meet Wei Ying’s lips, colliding with the exhaustion and pain and love that Wei Ying was wearing as armour at the moment.  
“Yes, Wei Ying.” He kissed Wei Ying again. “I am yours.” He kissed him again. “And you are mine.” He kissed him once more, then looked into his lovers eyes, begging for forgiveness without saying anything. The feverish response was enough to establish the trust and love that Wei Ying wished to express. And if neither of them mentioned it again, who was to know? And if they found joy in the sharp edge of a knife, who could blame them? Only they would know.


	4. And What If I Want To Follow in Your Footsteps?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wei Ying dies but Lan Zhan is stubborn and will not give up until he gets to talk to his beloved. If he solves the problems of the cultivation world while he is at it, what of it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a fix it sort of thing, and is really just glazing over a concept of a happier end to all of the storylines. Including the reputation of demonic cultivation. Also, Lan Zhan is not as dark in this one.

Day 3: Demonic Cultivation

Wei Ying had always been the better man. He had been better than Jiang Cheng when he gave up his golden core, he was better than Lan WangJi when he took the Wen remnants to the Burial Mounds so they could have some semblance of a home, and he was better than the entire cultivation world when he didn’t fight back more than he did after they had slaughtered his entire found family. 

So it was no surprise when, after Lan WangJi had been told that the Yiling Patriarch had died and rushed to the Burial Mounds to be sure that it was not just some bullshit way to dissuade him from making the right choice, Lan WangJi found it difficult to ignore the screaming voices that called to him. 

The only thing making him push through the thicket of sins and lies and death was A-Yuan, the little boy that had somehow survived the Siege of Burial Mounds. The poor child did not deserve to suffer because of the lack of humanity that raged in the cultivation world. Lan WangJi used the rage he felt for the people that had forced such a sweet child into a state of starvation because of their own political agendas to get the child to Gusu, to get the child medical assistance. 

It was all a rush of “WangJi” and “Brother” and a very faint “Lan Zhan” but that last one may have been because of his exhaustion and the probable infection on his back. It was a myriad of disappointed looks, of painful pulling of stitches, of “Rich-Dada” and finally, of a darkness that overcame him with a vengeance, forcing him to rest for a few days after ensuring that the child had gotten the required medical assistance. 

When he came to, after what he assumed was at least a week of blackout, the first thing he thought was that he had finally made Wei Ying proud. The second thing he thought was that perhaps he had overdone it only just a little bit. The final thing he thought was that maybe the Lan cultivators were not as righteous as they pretended to be. He had seen the Wen remnants, and had seen how unprepared they were to do anything to harm the cultivation world, as they could barely defend themselves against a few rabid dogs!

Needless to say, he was not very impressed with the way in which his clan had managed the entire “Yiling Patriarch is evil” situation. It was no secret that he had loved the crazed, beautiful, Wei Ying. Everyone had simply…ignored it. For what reason he was not sure, but in the end, there was nothing he could do while he watched his beloved Wei Ying fall from the cliff. Really, he could do nothing until his back healed except make sure that Wen Yuan was ok. So that is what he did for most of the time for the next few years.   
That and try to control the burial mounds. 

It had not been his initial intention. At first he had only returned to the Burial Mounds to look for Wei Ying’s spirit. This had included a few hours of playing Inquiry, and then a few more hours of simply weeping and calling out his name. Typical fan boy behaviour really. 

He had only recently started to be able to cultivate with a sword once more, and despite the ugly scars that would adorn his back forevermore, and the first thing he had done was go back to look for his dead lover who was not actually his lover. Figures. Let us say that Lan Qiren was not very happy with him, but his uncle had scorned Wei Ying for his ideas, which did not work out very well, and so they were no longer on friendly terms. Anyway, regardless of that, he, the Second Jade of Lan, the venerated Hangun Jun, had gone to Yiling, and had spent a week trying to find Wei Ying. 

He did not notice until later that he was carrying around some sort of strange heaviness with him that he could not shake. When trying to find the source of the discomfort, he found that there was a kernel of foreign energy trying to make its way into his core. It could do nothing to him, but it was willing to listen to him. 

It started out as little flowers here and there, then bunnies, then emperor’s smile. When he was sad he used it to entertain himself, before quietly putting it away and walking to find A-Yuan. Then it became much more, until his entire aura was saturated in it, until he could no longer hide it. It never touched him though. How could it? He had a golden core.

Then he returned to the Burial Mounds, looking for Wei Ying, but in a different way. This time, he went to ask the Burial Mounds to teach him how they had taught Wei Ying. He knew that the only way to talk to Wei Ying would be to understand demonic cultivation. 

So he did. He went to the Burial Mounds, learnt to control the voices that wanted to overtake him, learnt to balance out both the Ying and the Yang energies, and successfully started to take over the Burial Mounds. Hangun Jun slowly became known for clearing resentful energy, and soon demonic cultivation was viewed in a more positive light. 

The Burial Mounds told him when Wei Ying came back. They had never let him talk to him, but they had helped him find the source of many of the problems that had taken so much time previously. After all, humans radiated and created resentful energy. 

They had never let him talk to his beloved. They had maintained some of their previous sentient personality (if you could call it such), and had defended their previous master from what they assumed was harm. They still told Lan Zhan when the spirit that had previously been in limbo returned to the land of the living. 

It was confirmed by a hauntingly beautiful song, by sparkling eyes, and by the thin layer of resentment that jealously protected him. 

“Wei Ying.”

Silence, then a sharp intake of breath. 

“Lan Zhan.”

It had all been worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you guys for reading if you made it this far! I really enjoyed writing this (which is surprising lmao) and I hope that you had fun reading it as well. Also side note, wangxian are way too horny for life and it is a STRUGGLE.


End file.
